December (ending and new start)

The themes of completion, endings, closures, letting go, and shedding resonate with me for this year. These themes that the number 9 represents seem to be fitting into 2025 (year 9 in numerology) for me.

Before leaving Pittsburgh, I had a small intimate farewell party. My dear friend Elysia suggested hosting it at her place because I was in a panicked and frantic mode packing up my house, and I needed a peaceful place for the get-together. The farewell party was the highlight of my three years in Pittsburgh. I never imagined that I had impacted the community and touched their hearts in the way I had anticipated. Deep down, I was struggling significantly while continuing to show up and be present for my clients and friends. Being a lightworker and dedicating myself to my small business in the midst of global turmoil hasn't been an effortless path for me. Furthermore, I've never mentioned that I had lost my creativity after Ranger's passing. I lost my interest in dancing. I did not enjoy picking up paints and painting again. I no longer enjoyed writing poems and sharing entertaining reels on Instagram. Grief and the rising cost of living diminished these creative outlets. I was also struggling with living alone in a big house. Life felt stagnant and dull at times. I knew if it stayed the same, I would be in big trouble later. The yearning for a new change can't be ignored any longer. I travelled a lot in 2024 to look for a new country to move to. I wanted to be close to my parents. Hong Kong wasn't my first choice until I experienced some limbo this year. I really needed a place I could call home (for an extended while) and receive the most support. Moving back to be with my family all makes sense. Honestly, I've never thought I would move back to a big city after all the years living in suburbs and small cities. 

Anyways, coming back to the farewell party. The Cacao ceremony was served by my magical sister Miana. The Cacao really opened our hearts up while everyone was saying something sweet and a blessing to me. I was absolutely in tears with so many emotions. I felt a mix of emotions, including sadness about leaving good friends, excitement about building a new life in Hong Kong, a bit of fear about starting fresh in my 40s without stable finances, a secure job, or even a place to stay, but mostly joy and hope for living in a healthier environment. I know it will take no time until I thrive in Hong Kong again. Speaking of emotion, I've gotten better with naming my emotions nowadays (thanks to 7 years of being in therapy with the most compassionate therapist). I used to escape from the overwhelmed emotions or dissociate from them. I used to escape from these emotions by using alcohol, staying constantly busy, and blaming others. That was the past. Everything changed when I found the connection with God/the divine and started meditating. My spiritual journey hasn't been a smooth ride. All the hard work and the seeds I've put in and planted in the past years, I've seen them start sprouting. I'm becoming a person who I wanted to be. I can finally relax in solitude and enjoy being alone more than ever. I can observe my thoughts without judging, blaming, or running away from them. Thanks to meditation, prayers, psilocybin, mindfulness, and nature. 

Back to the story of why I want to move back home. After my soul friend (Ranger) passed away, I knew the day of moving back to my roots and being with family would be close. Owning a house by myself and taking care of it has become a chore. I started seeing it as more of a burden than an enjoyment. On top of it, the need to live in a place that's more convenient and affordable for alternative health care has become more important than in my 20s and 30s. Moreover, I've been craving building a sustainable community with shared interests and integrated mindsets. I don't know if I would find it in Hong Kong, but I will stay open to finding my next long-term home while I'm settling down here.

Life is wild! I feel that my 15 years of living abroad have served as both a "learning ground" and "military training." I lack the words to describe it. The experience has been filled with both highs and lows. I have experienced both hardship and disappointment. I've pushed myself over my limits many times. At times, I thought I wouldn't make it through some kind of unexpected tough situation. What I can do is surrender to fear and the unknown. I prayed, and I hoped the situation would become better. I believed that angels, my ancestors, the divine, or God had blessed me. So lucky! I made it every single time. I couldn't make it through without the support and love from my friends and family. They say friends are like extended family. My family now spans across the globe. I'm so blessed and humbled to call you a friend. I will miss you, my American friends. In Chinese, we don't say goodbye. We say, see you again! “再见” (zàijiàn)